


freedom hangs like heaven

by mdizzee



Series: stills from the island [3]
Category: The Wilds (TV 2020)
Genre: 1x07, Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Character Study, Enemies to Lovers, F/F, Heavy Angst, Internalized Homophobia, Religious Conflict, Religious Guilt, Religious Imagery & Symbolism, Sexual Tension, Teen Angst, asf
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-20
Updated: 2020-12-20
Packaged: 2021-03-11 00:53:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 867
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28186443
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mdizzee/pseuds/mdizzee
Summary: Shelby is just so tired of living like she owes something to everyone. She steps closer to Toni.
Relationships: Shelby Goodkind/Toni Shalifoe
Series: stills from the island [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2064456
Comments: 13
Kudos: 205





	freedom hangs like heaven

**Author's Note:**

> Check out the earlier work in this series for my take on 1x06's pill scene :-)

Leah spun too wide on her axis this morning. It’s pathetic that Shelby cares so much about her forcing her to reveal her retainer that she’s hiding from the world in the forest, knees to chest and head hung. It’s not just the embarrassment - though that is potent - it’s the act of the admittance. The concession that she’s flawed. It hurts.

She hears rustling behind her and she knows it’s Toni, fulfilling her firewood duties. She wonders if it’s an excuse to find her and the thought gives her a pleasant jolt, an involuntary thrum of electricity through her body. Toni comes nearer and Shelby feels the inexplicable pull to open up to her, but the conversation is stilted and the friction between them is palpable again. 

‘You say your prayers with that mouth?’

Hearing this is disarming and Shelby can’t stop herself reliving the feeling of pressing Toni’s body into the sand, but Toni makes a joke about the retainer and yeah, it’s just a joke but it’s jarring to her already fragile state. (She’s never told a single soul the depth of how her teeth affected her.) 

It’s tense again, and she needs to explain herself, to make Toni understand what’s between them. Seriously. It’s imperative to get control back over this mess. So she does talk, words tripping over each other; it comes out clumsy and convoluted and Shelby hates herself for her hesitation.

‘I don’t hate you, Toni.’

This is a lie. Shelby hates Toni because Toni has chipped a crack into the fine porcelain of the character she's been playing all her life. 

‘You fucking shuddered.’

Shelby looks at her hands, remembers watching Toni showing off to the others that day, licking the mussels, all wry grins and flashing eyes. She’s doing a terrible job at getting back in control. 

‘Let me help with the firewood.’

Acts of servitude are a familiar groove; a defense mechanism. She curses herself for how pathetically desperate she is for Toni to understand her, for how much she wants Toni to see the real her. Toni’s jaw is set as Shelby tries to explain in as few words as possible (because she doesn’t trust her voice not to crack) that she was seven years old when she won her first pageant, her parents so proud to see her in that spotlight on the grotty community centre stage. That she hasn’t left the stage since. It sounds silly, privileged, compared to Toni’s struggle, but her life doesn’t feel like her own and it’s exhausting. Toni’s not getting it, she’s arguing back, and whatever it is between them is heating up again and Shelby is just so tired of living like she owes something to everyone.

‘You’re free, here, Shelby.’

She thinks of the smell of hairspray, sweet and cloying backstage at the pageant. She steps closer to Toni.

‘If you’re not taking advantage of that I don’t know what the fuck to tell you.’

She doesn’t want to be alone. 

///

The kiss is clumsy, overemotional; it feels like a confession and Toni revels in it, this rare moment of honesty from Shelby. She’d grabbed her by the neck, roughly dragged their lips together, and fuck, Toni can’t believe how good it feels. Living so hand to mouth on the island has made her forget the comfort of another person and kissing Shelby is the most centered she’s felt in weeks, months even. Shelby is ferocious and Toni basks in it, the air around them heating up as she pulls her closer. 

///

Shelby feels more alive in this moment than she’s ever felt before. Her hands are digging into the nape of Toni’s neck and she’s leaning into her touch and life before this feels like it was in grayscale, drab and boring compared to the technicolour of right now. Toni gently places her arms on her waist, fingers brushing over exposed skin and she kisses her back and Lord, she’s crossed a line she’ll never be able to walk back on and it is frightening. Every iota of her being wants to deepen the kiss, let it mean something, but she remembers what’s at stake with a gasp. She thinks of pageant crowns with real pearls. Big game hunts with her dad. Kneeling on a worn pew under a stained glass window. Her life as she knows it. The thought of losing it is terrifying, and Shelby is a coward. She runs away.

///

Her eyes are so green, so blown, in the dappled light. Toni can’t let this moment of vulnerability slip away, even as her heart sinks and Shelby turns. She chases her through the forest all the way back to the beach and she’s about to say something when Rachel slams into her and she gets caught up in the implosion of the group.

///

They see the plane. The others cheer and cry and hug. There’s talk of rescue, home; they’re daring to hope. Shelby clenches her fists as her stomach drops through the ground. Rescue. Eating hot dogs at the town summer fair. Practising her winning smile in the mirror. Bowling with her best friend. She blinks with dull eyes and clenches trembling hands.

  
  


**Author's Note:**

> The next chapter will b about 1x08 teeheehee. What y'all know about repressing your sexuality and bunning a zoot?? >:)  
> 


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